Parenting Blogs

Sometimes in the 3 seconds of free time I have each day I read parenting blogs that people link to on Facebook.  After a while I found that they all fall roughly into one of four categories and within those catergories they all say pretty much the same thing. (Of course there are many exceptions wherein really important things are said that need to be said/heard and/or are said in such an amazing and inspiring way that I am so grateful for. That’s not the majority of the cases though). So allow me to create a guide for you so that you can do other things with your 3 seconds of free time. Or at least decide what you want to be hearing when you click on a blog post.

Here are the four types:

The Progressive Parent Patting Myself on The Back Blog: This one mostly hangs out in the realm of gender and sexuality. It says something along the lines of “I taught my toddler daughter to say the word ‘vulva’ and thus I’m pretty much the most amazing, sex positive, progressive parent in the world. She will always be super healthy around these things especially as a teenager and of course talk to me about all of them as they come up for her since I’m clearly so cool and open. But not too much talking to me cause I believe in freedom and liberation and I’m not a helicopter parent or anything. Also, I pretty much have single handedly undone millenia of oppression and violence towards women and queer folks. So, you’re welcome.” The onion satirized this one really well.

The Impassioned Treatise about Something Totally Obvious and Not At All Controversial Blog: “Moms shouldn’t judge each other, this is really challenging for all of us!” or “I never understood how much I could deeply I could love until my child was born!” These are usually terribly written- like cringe-worthy. They involve a lot of purple prose describing un-related things like machines in hospital rooms or jungle gyms at the playground. People share them all the time though because we all don’t think we should judge other moms and we all deeply love our children.

The Advice For a Common Problem for Which There Clearly is No One-Size-Fits-All Solution but I’m Going To Pretend There is and That I Have It And You Are Doing Wrong Things If You Are Not Following My Advice Blog: For example, tantrums: This blog may say “You should make your child have as many tantrums as possible or else you are spoiling your child. Really make him flail around, maybe hit his head on the floor a few times a day. Or 10 times a day! Everyone will hate being around your child if you don’t frustrate him to the point of 10 tantrums a day because he will be so spoiled and that’s what’s wrong with our society. I especially think this if I am a British Nanny and probably do not have any children of my own.  Or alternately: Your child should not ever be having tantrums. If they are it’s because you aren’t connected and compassionate enough and you are not meeting his needs and he is going to grow up and be extremely insecure and terrified all the time. And probably a serial killer or a racist. If he has a tantrum, you should immediately drop down to his height, look him in the eyes, and tell him you love him and give him a hug, even if he is wanting to bash his head into the floor and hating you and not wanting a hug. It doesn’t matter if you are feeling rattled because he is screaming and bashing his head into the floor. This isn’t about you. STOP BEING SO SELFISH AND CONNECT! RIGHT NOW OR YOUR CHILD IS RUINED!

The Funny Things Happen In My Day Because I Have a Toddler and They Don’t Happen to You Because You Don’t and You Can’t Even Imagine This Craziness: I have to confess these are my favorite blogs. They are usually very funny and they are the least annoying because they take themselves less seriously. My only uncomfortableness with them is that they are pretty insensitive to people who have been struggling with fertility issues/pregnancy loss.

(Also there is probably a type that is critiquing other parenting blogs)

So there you have it. Now you have an extra 3 seconds. Now you can meditate while jogging and folding laundry and pureeing blueberries!